Trouble in Paradise

There’s been a slight turbulence in this flight. Fasten your seatbelts and don’t unfasten them until the pilot confirms it is safe to do so. Yes, friend there’s a slight turmoil in my heavenly abode.
• Called him late at night, as always, so we could hear e/o voice before retiring to bed after 2 hours of chitchatting sweet nothings. He was most probably just waiting for my call. (that’s how it’s been for a year now, I call, he receives, we talk, hang up and sleep)
• The talk was going just fine until we started dirty talking.
• I said something I should not have (something bad when we were dirty talking and not remotely related to dirty talking at all. Oh God, am I going to be hung till death? That’s just against the rules) and he goes all silent.
• I fell silent like I was not even holding the phone and there was no one on the other side.
• Goes on for 2 minutes.
• Roll my eyes, bitch about the whole awkward situation in my head, think it was probably my mistake, bitch about me in my head again, bite my nails, wait some more and whisper I love you. The three magical words supposed to cure everything (which does not of course after a while).
• Does not work.
• After 5 seconds or so he goes “You don’t know how to talk.”
• OMFG. Did he just say that?
• !!!
• He goes “I’m tired. Gotta sleep.” (Why play the being tired card every day?)
• Okay
• That was that
• Called him tomorrow at work and said nothing romantic.
• He said (I Love You) X 2. Was being a bitch and hung up after 2 minutes with a transparent excuse.
• Called him that night, tried to make up things. He said he was mad about the afternoon. I totally ignore him and go on trying too hard to make him laugh by being cute and stuff.
• Silence after nothing works really.
• A long silence.
• He goes “Gotta go sleep”
• That was the end of fight day 2nd.
• Call him 3rd night. Say sweet stuff and ask if he was still mad.
• A quick No as if he was talking to his buddy, he does not want to talk to.
• I get the hint.
• Stop acting so childish and start trying to make real convo.
• He accuses me of being two-faced. I say I was just trying to move on from the fight. He says “you don’t think about me the way I do so the fights are not important to you. They are to me. I think about them and there’s no way I’m getting calmer just coz you ask me to.”
• I say “Course I do, that is why I’m trying so hard to make you forget about it.”
• He gives me a cold “Eh” (WTF?)
• I say a lot less patient than at the beginning “I’m working so hard here, so you gotta give me something better than ‘eh’.”
• He goes “If you are indeed trying to make up for it how about starting with being calmer and calming me down.” All of a sudden “You know what, you can’t. Why can you never calm me down?” (which is true and I can say it bothers me all the same. Being his girlfriend and not being able to calm him down until he decides it’s time to cool off)
• I go “Coz you can’t calm me down either.”
• He goes “Is this how you think I’m gonna calm down? You calling me to fight some more?”
• I cuss him and hang up.
• He calls me back after 3 minutes or so, cusses me and hangs up.
• ….
Isn’t there some song that says how bad a girlfriend I am?

I love me, don't I?

This is going to be a pretty darn boring post and I'm warning you so don't give your monitor the two-minutes-wasted-on-you look later.
The gist of this post is I hate myself period. No questions please. No c'mon-you-can-tell-me look either. Okay, fine. I give in. The thing is my life is such a mess. Who has a zillion things to do and does nothing? Yours truly. I had to kick myself to begin writing this post, me being the usual stubborn lazy self and all but i somehow log in and start writing. But hell where is the writing? Its been 3 minutes already and the writing is not coming. I swear to the little of what remaining patience i have got that Im losing it. Why do you keep playing this game with me? Why do you always have to fuck with my mind?And by you I mean God. I was hoping to come out a nicer person after writing (more like bitching) about all the shit in my life right now and since I lost my energy and patience halfway through it, I'll just say ciao.
Until I feel like I can give something nicer to this space I claim to be mine..

is it love or is it just me?

I know I have been very disconnected with the ideas and stories in my blog. But you will get to know how disorganized and disheveled my real life is sooner or later (if I keep writing, that is) I know one should be thrashed thoroughly for neglecting one's only space in blogging world. But who is willing to take the risk? You? Info; please make sure your insurance covers a broken nose gifted by a lazy blogger. Stop me if you think I am full of myself and  do not care enough to change my seriously troubled blogging habit or any of my troubled habits willingly. 

Here, let me tell you where I have been, busyville. I know I have been busy but that sure does not buy me the right to treat my blog as such. I mean come on I know nobody likes to be neglected, loner, not-cared-for etc more than anybody else. I wish I could explain this, I wish I could feel sorry for being so irresponsible, for not being here to write about me, for being so busy. I wish I could express how my long days are filled with rainy sunshine and smell that would give Chanel No.5 a run for money, I wish it so much that I can almost feel the tingling on my fingertips. Yes, my friend, I have been that busy and that happy these days.

It is just not the blog. I have been ignoring everyone and everything for couple of months now and I kinda like it. Okay here's the deal, I'll try to explain it if you promise you won't think I am another first-love-struck-teen. Please don't make that mistake and please don't judge me. I have had my share of relationships and it definitely is not my first love. But this one is different as in ready-to-go-to-the-end-of-world-with-him different. It's almost a year now  since I first started seeing him and I've known him for the past two years. Considering the acute case of ADHD I suffer from (okay i don't really have it but you get the idea), its a pretty long time. A year in a relationship is like a century of being caged but what can one do when one actually likes the boundaries. Oh, the pleasure of seeing the tiny flick of jealousy I can induce just by dropping in someone's name. This is getting more intriguing than I ever imagined and if I get some time off from loving him, I'll let you know why I feel so. But promise me you will be here to listen....I suffer from attention-digging-syndrome too.

Right now in love with : Easy guess, HIM.

Dupatta Mera...

This past weekend I managed to watch Pakeezah (1972), read and watch Memoirs of a Geisha.

It is such a surprise that I came across three very impressive classics about very attractive women who thought they were void from inside, who knew there should be more to life, who understood passion, who felt love, who knew their hearts. In case you are wondering what the surprise is, I never gave these things much attention, that is, until now.

I have always been aware of my emotions, able to distinguish what I wanted from what I didn’t. But I’m obliged to change my feelings now. I have always been safe in my world or should I say I have always been protected. Being under care all day everyday is not my idea of the best life I can ever have but I cannot disagree that my world was mapped out for me even before I knew life and perhaps, that is why I have been the one who enjoys classics and not the one who is a part of many more unsaid, unnoticed classics. May be I never knew my emotions or myself after all. May be I’ll never get to know me or what I want like these women. I had been so sure of life until now that I would not know how to carry myself in the world of uncertainty, outside my doors waiting for me to take steps and pass the threshold of protection. Enough about me for now, let’s give these characters the tribute they deserve.

These women who were trained to bring any man to his knees were destined to tie their emotion in one and keep it away so no one would ever come across it, not even themselves. Is it not an irony that those who were used by prominent men to take pain out of their systems were not allowed to acknowledge their own pain? They had to fulfill their heart’s increasing appetite just by enjoying the attention they got and hoping that they will find their coveted love one day or another. Oh how I could feel what Sayuri would have felt when she had to shift her attention to Nobu when actually it was Chairman who she wanted to be entertaining. Poor Sayuri did not even have the choice of who she would entertain. Poor voices, poor choices, poor lives, poor everything but their dreams. The magnificent world they carried within themselves accessorized with their hopes and dreams made the stories I can never forget. For me they are just another me tricked by circumstances. It is like works of arts are set loose among us so we can relate to them but it is up to us to choose which one we can relate to most. I relate to the ones that keep me aware of what it would be like if I lost all my dreams. Not a very pleasant way to think of arts but how can one help it when one knows world is not a safe and certain place after all. I am thinking they were just as sure of their lives at one point as I am today of mine. I hope I am not making a mistake in being sure of what I want today because if tomorrow I look myself at the mirror and not see the contentment of being right all along, I will not recognize myself.

I could not be more surprised at what I’ve written because it is so not me. Probably the classics have the exact effect on me their writers/directors wanted them to have on people. On a lighter note, I am still trying to find the real meaning behind the song Dupatta Mera….. It can’t be just about someone snatching her veil.

Right now in love with: my choice to read the book and then watch the movie.

A day in my life (Part 1)

I wake up at 6 o’ clock in weekdays and sleep until eleven or sometimes even twelve in weekends. First thing I do after I get up is get fresh, like everyone else. This does not necessarily mean that I am fresh every morning. A cold shower is the ultimate solution to wake me up but I prefer showers at night (helps me sleep well) and moreover, I like taking my time when it comes to things like these.

I get ready and go to college. I usually have spare time so I spend sometime with computers in library; check my emails, my boyfriend’s email (oops), read e-newspaper and all that. Then I head to my English lecture. If I am lucky enough and my classroom is not chilly, I go to one of the last seats where I can hide behind huge football players so that the professor won’t see me and catch up on my sleeping. If not, I grudge and still manage to get some sleep. I know it is not the right thing to do but all we talk about is designs, interfaces, improvements and it is an english class. So much for being accepted into such a great TECH university. Word of advice – stay away from technical universities as long as possible. They will expect you to think and make you think a lot.

By 9-ish I am fully awake and absorbed by my English professor’s articulate lecture. He looks like he is 24 and he is a professor. I sometimes wonder if he is as funny with his wife who he mentioned once. His comic timing reminds me of my boyfriend, kind of. After I get out of that class, I usually walk around with my friends. I used to hang out with this cool girl but I don’t know what happened between us so I am stuck with two guys now. It is not they are not fun, just that I feel comfortable around girls. Student center is the best place to hang out because I can savor the beauty of a warm and sunny day. Little things like nice weather, not having to wait for too long in queue, a good book I can read and be amused make me happy. Oh, I am in love with everyone and everything.

I didn’t think a day would be so long to put into paper. May be I will get back to it tomorrow and it will buy me some more time to think about what to write next. Not that I expect a huge number of readers already but being on the safe side won’t hurt either ;).

I can’t wait to write my next blog.

Thank you for reading.

I finally start a blog

Here I am now. Finally I figured out how to start a blog and am excited about it. I hope I can write anything in here.May be i should change the title, it looks a bit long but hey it is my first day and I have plenty of time to improve.
Okay, so my layout looks amazing- all pink. I am not a very pink-liking-person but this time the contrasts of these 'pinks' caught my attention. Whoever designed the layout has a good taste of colors.
I have checked my profile couple of times already and I still want to. I mean it is my first blog . May be it is everybody or its just me (hopefully not).
Hoping for good time writing my feelings.